I accidentally burped into my bong.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
