if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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