Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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