3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Randomize
