were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
