We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
