Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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