Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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