you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
