new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
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