I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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