party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
