I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
