Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
