walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
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