I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Randomize
