I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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