How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
