i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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