I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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