you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Houston, we have a squirter
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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