I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
