sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
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