As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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