I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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