Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
