i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
So I just went to clothing optional bar
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
