According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Acid is not a monday night drug
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
