hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
