I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
