well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
