bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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