so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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