he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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