I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
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