We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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