I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
not ubering you a puppy
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
