how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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