The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
