"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
