The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
