don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Even my vagina gasped.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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