maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
