can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I just found puke in my bra..
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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