youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
