the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
