My girlfriend figured out who you are.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
