When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I cut my penus on the lid.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
