The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
