"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
