and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Randomize
