When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
